December 14, 1995
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delight-
ful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised
With deepest love,
December 15, 1985
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your
very thoughful gift. They are truly adorable!
With all my love,
December 16, 1985
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really
must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three
French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of
course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!
December 17, 1985
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you
think enough is enough? You're being too romantic
December 18, 1985
Dearest darling John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five
golden rings! One for every finger! You're just
impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my
nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.
All my love,
December 19, 1985
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese
a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the
birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where
will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and
I can't sleep through all the racket. Please stop.
December 20, 1985
What the hell is with you and those flapping birds!?
Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of goddamn joke is
this!!?? There's bird excremen teverywhere! The little
tykes never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm
a nervous wreck. It~s not funny you weirdo.
December 21, 1985
The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I
going to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not
bad enough, they had to bring their goddamn cows!!
There is dung all over the lawn, and I can't move in
my own house!! Just lay off me smartalec, or you'll be
December 22, 1985
What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there's nine
pipers playing! Christ do they play! They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The
cows are upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a peti-
tion against me.
You'll get yours!
December 23, 1985
Words fail me!!!
Now there's ten ladies dancing! But they're not
ladies! Thse broads are having an orgy with the
pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea! My living room is a river of %$œ$, and the
building commisioner has subpoened me to give cause
for having all these animals. I'm calling the police
on you creep!
One who means it!
December 24, 1985
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids
and laides!?!?! Some of those broads will never walk
again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have
been sodomizing the cows. At least the birds are
quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy,
December 25, 1985
Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin
30 Knave Street
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict
on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction
of course was total.
If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze
Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot
you on sight.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the
future. With this letter please and attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Merry Christmas !! (snicker snicker)
Badger, Binder, and Irwin