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The 12 days of Christmas
 
On the twelve days of Christmas, my true love gave to me...  by Agnes Mcholstein

            December 14, 1995

            Dearest John,
            I went to the door today and the postman  delivered  a
            partridge  in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly delight-
            ful  gift!    I  couldn't  have  been  more  surprised
            darling!

            With deepest love,
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 15, 1985

            Dearest John,
            Today  the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just
            imagine, two turtle doves!  I'm just delighted at your
            very thoughful gift.  They are truly adorable!

            With all my love,
            Your Agnes

            ===============

            December 16, 1985

            Dearest John,
            Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one!    But  I  really
            must  protest, I don't deserve such generosity.  Three
            French hens.  My goodness.  You are just a darling  of
            course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!

            Love,
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 17, 1985

            Dear John,

            Today  the  postman delivered four calling birds.  Now
            really, they are  plainly  beautiful,  but  don't  you
            think  enough  is  enough?   You're being too romantic
            dear.

            Aphectionately,
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 18, 1985

            Dearest darling John,
            What  a  surprise!   Today  the postman delivered five
            golden rings!   One for  every finger!    You're  just
            impossible darling, but oh how I love it!  Frankly all
            those  squawking  birds  were  beginning  to get on my
            nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.

            All my love,
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 19, 1985

            Dear John,
            When I opened my door, there were actually  six  geese
            a-laying  on  my  front steps.   So you're back to the
            birds again, huh?   Those geese are  dear,  but  where
            will  I keep them?  The neighbors are complaining, and
            I can't sleep through all the racket.  Please stop.

            Cordially,
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 20, 1985

            John,
            What the hell is with you and  those  flapping birds!?
            Seven swans a-swimming!!  What kind of goddamn joke is
            this!!?? There's bird excremen teverywhere! The little
            tykes  never  shut up,  I can't sleep anymore, and I'm
            a nervous wreck.  It~s not funny you weirdo.

            Sincerely,
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 21, 1985

            O.K.  Buster,
            The  birds  were  bad  enough,  but what the hell am I
            going to do with eight maids a-milking?  If that's not
            bad enough, they had to  bring  their  goddamn  cows!!
            There  is  dung all over the lawn, and I can't move in
            my own house!! Just lay off me smartalec, or you'll  be
            sorry!

            Agnes

            ===============

            December 22, 1985

            Hey Prat!
            What are you, some kind of sadist!?!  Now there's nine
            pipers  playing!   Christ do they play!  They've never
            stopped chasing those maids since they got here!   The
            cows  are  upset  and  they're stepping all over those
            screeching birds.  The neighbors are getting  a  peti-
            tion against me.

            You'll get yours!
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 23, 1985

            Words fail me!!!
            Now  there's  ten  ladies  dancing!    But they're not
            ladies!   Thse broads are  having  an  orgy  with  the
            pipers!    Now  the  cows  can't sleep and they've got
            diarrhea!  My living room is a river of %$$, and  the
            building  commisioner  has  subpoened me to give cause
            for having all these animals.  I'm calling the  police
            on you creep!
            One who means it!

            ===============

            December 24, 1985

            Listen mate!
            What's  with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids
            and laides!?!?!  Some of those broads will never  walk
            again!    Those  pipers ran through the maids and have
            been sodomizing the cows.   At  least  the  birds  are
            quiet.    They  were trampled to death in the orgy.  I
            hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!

            Your sworn enemy,
            Agnes

            ===============

            December 25, 1985

            Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin
            30 Knave Street
            Chicago, Illinois

            Dear Sir,
            This  is  to  acknowledge  your  latest gift of twelve
            fiddlers fiddling  which  you have seen fit to inflict
            on our client, one Agnes McHolstein.  The  destruction
            of course was total.

            If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at  Happy  Daze
            Sanatarium,  the attendants have instructions to shoot
            you on sight.

            Please direct all correspondence to this office in the
            future.    With  this  letter  please  and  attached a
            warrant for your arrest.

            Merry Christmas !!  (snicker snicker)

            Cordially,
            Badger, Binder, and Irwin

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